America's public enemy number one in the United States is drug abuse.
In order to fight and defeat this enemy,
it is necessary to wage a new all-out offensive.
We have not only the responsibility but the authority
to see that we wage this offensive effectively and in a coordinated way.
Finally, in order for this program to be effective,
the American people all join in it.
Brooklyn, give it up for the Lucas Brothers!
- Sorry for walking around you. - No, it's all good.
- How are you guys doing? - You guys all right?
You all right?
- Cool. - Yeah.
You're probably wondering why we got all this shit up here.
Yeah.
- It's Richard Nixon. - Yep. It's Richard.
Sir Richard. Thirty-seventh President of the United States.
Yep.
- He was an asshole. - Yes, he was.
- An asshole. - Yeah.
We like to start all of our sets by saying, "Fuck Richard Nixon"
- because it gives us motivation. - That's right.
So, fuck Richard Nixon.
Fuck him.
You're probably wondering why we hate him so much.
One reason: The War on Drugs, man.
Or, as we like to call it, "The War on Niggas Who Just Want to Have Fun."
That's right.
That's all we want to do.
I mean, if white women can have fun, why can't we?
We can have fun, too.
- We're niggas. - Mm-hmm.
We've done a lot of drugs, and we've had a lot of fun.
That's right.
But you can't do all types of drugs.
No. All drugs aren't created equal.
That's right.
- Abraham Lincoln said that. - That's right, man.
But all drugs aren't created equal.
We did shrooms a year ago for the very first time.
Yeah.
And here's a rule of thumb:
You should never do shrooms with a dude who looks like you.
I'm telling you.
- Some weird shit. - It was terrible.
It was weird. It was weird.
- Stick to weed. - That's right.
That's right.
- We smoke a lot of weed. - Mm-hmm.
One of our favorite things to do is to smoke weed on the job.
- That's what we like doing. - Mm-hmm.
Because it's a sure-fire way to get fired, right?
- Jobs don't like when you smoke. - No.
Like, we worked for a cable company,
and every time during our lunch break, we'd smoke weed.
And one time, the boss caught us, and he fired us.
And the weird thing is he fired us at the same time
for the same exact reason.
And you don't want to get fired like that.
Because not only are you getting fired,
but it's kind of like you're watching yourself get fired in 3-D.
- You gotta put glasses on. - It's terrible.
That's not the first time we faced twin discrimination.
Mm-mm.
Not the first.
People don't know how to react when they see twins.
- No. - They go crazy.
We were in the supermarket, looking for some Jell-O.
Yep.
And we were just about to pick it out, and then some dude came out of nowhere,
and he was, like, "Yo, you guys have a stick of Doublemint gum?"
That's right. That's what he said.
Now, I know that sounds like an innocent question to most people.
- But to twins, it's mad disrespectful. - Absolutely.
So, we were about to check this nigga.
And I think that he saw that we were angry,
so he tried to, like, calm the situation down.
He was, like, "Yo, I'm sorry if I offended you guys.
It's just, in the commercials, twins always have gum.
In those Doublemint gum commercials, they have gum,
so I figured you two guys had a stick."
- That's shitty logic. - Yeah.
And why is this dude taking commercials so seriously?
Does he do that with everything? You know what I mean?
Does he go up to quirky white women and ask for Progressive Insurance?
- I like that. - Should we try another one?
Let's try another. You want to try one? All right.
Does he go up to white babies and ask for E-Trade stock advice?
Huh.
So, I'm glad we're comedians, man.
I mean, I couldn't imagine working any other job,
because we always just get fired from everything.
And we've spent a lot of time in unemployment.
I think we've figured out a lot of interesting things to do in unemployment.
We like to watch Deion Sanders hip-hop videos.
Mm-hmm. He only made one.
He only made one, so we watch one on a loop.
Yeah, but it's a classic. It's a classic in its genre.
I mean, Deion was... He was dropping some juice.
- He was ahead of his time. - He was.
You may never hear that ever again, but he was.
Prime Time!
- Prime Time. - Prime Time.
He said this one thing in the video. What was it? What did he say?
It was crazy. It was an ad-lib.
He was, like, "I'm gonna turn my library cards into credit cards."
- We don't know what that means. - We don't know.
We're not gonna front. We don't know.
We've been trying to figure that shit out since we first heard it.
That's right.
And it's a baffling line for a number of reasons.
First and foremost, we all know Deion Sanders doesn't read, right?
He doesn't read.
Doesn't read.
But assuming that he does read and he's an avid library fan...
Yeah. If everybody followed that principle,
that would bankrupt America. You know what I mean? Like...
Plus, he wants money. Why does he... I don't know.
The name of the song was "Must Be the Money."
Why is he talking about credit? That...
Just talk about money. You don't even have to mention credit cards.
I just don't get it, man.
- Let's smoke on it. - Okay.
Okay.
- We'll smoke on it, figure it out. - We'll figure it out.
You know the worst thing about working?
- Coworkers. - Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
- I guess you're kind of my coworker. - I guess I am kind of your coworker.
But, nah, they're the worst, man, because we were writing on this TV show.
- Shitty show. - Shitty show.
We can't name it now because they'll sue us.
But we were writing on this shit,
and one of our co-writers complained all the time.
And we had a long day, it was, like, a 15-hour day,
and he was, like, "I can't do this job anymore, you know?
They got us working like slaves, man. We're working like slaves."
And what was weird is that for, like, the last five hours,
we were just talking about Steve Harvey and whether or not his mustache is dope.
Like, that's all we did.
That would be a dope form of slavery, if that... if that was it.
But it got us to thinking, man.
You ever wonder how slaves complained about their job?
You ever wonder that? Because they had to complain,
- because that shit was terrible. - Yeah.
But they didn't say they were working like slaves,
because that would be redundant.
- That's true. - Yeah.
We imagine some slaves were working on a pyramid.
You know, working. Working their asses off.
You know, three-hour... How long you think they were?
- Twenty-four-hour days. - Twenty-four-hour days.
- And one slave flipped. - Lost it.
He lost his shit. He was, like, "Fuck!
This Pharaoh got me working like...
- all these niggas around me." - Yeah.
- That's excellent. - Oh, thank you.
Money, weed and bitches.
- Pretty dope when rappers say it. - That's right.
Even doper if it was the first three words
that Jesus Christ said after his resurrection.
"Money, weed and bitches. I'm back, baby."
"Let's go save humanity."
I was gonna say, "Let's kill some Romans."
Oh, that would've been good.
Well, he didn't kill Romans.
- Oh, I guess Christians killed Romans. - That's right.
I get it. I get it. I'm sorry.
It's all right. You'll get them next time.
- There will be no next time. - That's right.
We struggle... Well, we used to struggle with money.
Mm-hmm. No, we used to struggle with money for sure.
And we used to have a very acrimonious relationship with banks.
Yes.
It wasn't a good relationship.
No, no. Like, we went to the bank one time and looked at our account,
and it had $3 in it.
- That's a $1.50 apiece. - That's right.
Or at least that's what we thought.
It was $3 with a parentheses around it.
- Which means something totally different. - Yeah.
It means you owe the bank $3.
But when we first saw it,
we thought the bank was trying to protect our last $3.
We thought it was a force field for broke niggas.
Yeah.
And we gave 'em a stick of Doublemint gum to say thank you.
Here's the problem with America. It's income inequality.
I think that's the problem.
I think they need to restructure how we pay people.
Like, football players, they get guaranteed contracts, right?
So, they'll get $100 million, but they guarantee you, like, 40 million.
- I think they should do that for teachers. - Absolutely.
Teachers should get guaranteed contracts. It's about fucking time, right?
- Absolutely. Absolutely. - Yeah. Of course. Of course.
That's why if we were able to overthrow the government
and become twin dictators,
that would be our first order of business.
- We would... What would we do? - Forcibly round up...
- All the teachers. - Yes.
Then we would bring them to a room like this.
Like this.
And we would be, like, "Teachers of America,
we know you guys have suffered,
so we are going to pay you $100 million."
- That's right. - Mm-hmm.
"But we can only guarantee about 20,000, all right?"
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- "We've got a state to run." - Yep.
"And if you disagree, we will kill you on the spot."
How could that be a stronger joke?
How could we make that stronger? Huh.
Maybe we don't kill the teachers at the end?
All right. All right.
- Don't kill the teachers. - Don't kill the teachers.
Oh, here's the worst thing about the War on Drugs,
aside from black people getting killed...
It's drug dealers. Right?
Yeah, it's drug dealers. Because when you make drugs illegal...
- You gotta go to a drug dealer. - you gotta go to drug dealers.
- And drug dealers... - They can be obnoxious.
- Yeah. They can. - They can be a bit obnoxious.
They always try to push their agenda on people.
That's right.
- Like, our drug dealer's a feminist. - Yeah.
And, you know, I love feminism.
I got a button that says "I'm a feminist," so I'm good.
- Yeah. - I'm a feminist.
It's just when I'm trying to buy weed, I don't want to talk about shit like that.
Nah, man.
I just want to smoke and get my mind off of the real shit.
But he doesn't let that happen.
So, we went to his crib, went to go pick up our shit,
and the WNBA was playing, and...
And we were, like, "Oh, man, that's cool. Could you get us our weed?"
- "And we'll be right out." - "We'll just be gone."
He was, like, "No, no, no. Sit down."
And he held our weed hostage for a whole half.
And we were, like, "We gotta go, man.
Please, just give us the weed. Let's get the fuck out of here."
He's, like, "Look, man, I don't understand why y'all are acting like this.
I guarantee if they got rid of the NBA, more people would watch the WNBA."
And we were, like, "Nah."
That's not how things work. You know what I mean?
You can't get rid of something that's super-dope
and replace it with something that's not as dope.
I mean, it's dope, but not as dope. You know what I mean?
A couple summers ago, you didn't hear nobody say,
"Now that Michael Jackson's dead,
I can finally listen to all this Jermaine Jackson."
- Ain't nobody say that. - Nobody said that.
- Ain't nobody say that shit. - No one said that.
Ain't nobody say that.
I don't know. That punchline might be a little dated.
- You think we need to update it? - I think we need to update the punchline.
All right, all right. Start over.
- You want to start with what? - The middle.
- "Super dope." Do the joke. - Okay.
Because you can't get rid of something...
that's super-dope
and replace it with something that's not as dope.
- I mean, it's dope, but not as dope. - Not as dope. Yeah.
Like...
this year, you ain't hear nobody say, "Now that Prince is dead,
I can finally listen to all this Jermaine Jackson."
Same punchline. Same. I got you.
It's the same punchline.
Exact same punchline.
- Oh, fucking... - No one's listening to Jermaine Jackson.
No one's listening to Jermaine.
We were actually drug dealers for a little bit.
Yeah.
We were in Boston, selling prescription drugs.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
To kids. I'm just kidding.
Selling drugs to kids.
No. We were in Boston,
giving out free 40s and weed to the homeless people.
Yeah, yeah.
We tried to do some volunteer work. You know what I'm saying?
We were giving that out, and one thing about Boston:
They take their sports seriously. I'll tell you that.
- It's on another level. - Even the homeless people.
- That's right. - It's crazy.
We tried to hand him the 40, and he hit it out of our hands,
and he showed us his cardboard cutout, and it had a note on it.
And was, like, "Yo."
He didn't say, "Yo."
He was, like, "I just lost my house,
my family, my job.
I really have nothing to live for.
And I would kill myself if I had a gun."
- Mm-hmm. "But I can't afford it." - No.
"Dot, dot, dot, fuck the Yankees."
I was, like, "Oh, man, that's really cool."
- Yeah, fuck them. - Pretty cool homeless dude. I like that.
We were watching this thing. It was about Andrew Luck.
He had just got offered a $150 million contract.
And there was a reporter there, and they asked him,
"You think Andrew Luck is gonna take this contract?"
And the reporter was, like,
"Man, he has 150 million reasons to take that contract."
- I love... I like that. - Yeah, yeah.
- I want to do that. - We should start doing that.
Fuck it. Why not? If he can do it, why can't we do it?
- So, we started doing it. - Yeah.
Our buddy Mookie asked us if we wanted to go to the titty bar.
- Titty Tuesdays. - Titty Tuesdays.
And we were, like, "Look, man, we would love to indulge you,
but we got about negative-three reasons why... we can't do it."
- Callback! - I know, I know.
Gotta do it for... I do it for the callbacks.
- I live for the callbacks. - I live for the callback, too.
Who in here loves O.J. Simpson, by a show of hands?
- Raise them up, baby. O.J. - Be proud of O.J.
- Y'all should be proud of the Juice. - The Juice, baby.
He likes the Juice.
- Juice! - Juice, baby.
- All dudes. - All dudes.
The Juice is loose.
We'd like to dedicate this portion of our set to O.J.
Admittedly... These are admittedly bad jokes.
- Yes. - They're bad jokes.
But we gotta do them because we love O.J.
Yeah.
So, you want to start? It's an O.J. trilogy.
- There's only three jokes. - Yeah.
All right. So, we were going to the bar.
It wasn't a bar, it was a club. We were going to this club,
and we were excited to go. We got these new hats.
We were, like, super stoked to get there.
We got there, and the bouncer was, like, "I'm sorry, guys.
No hats. You can't get in."
And normally... We've had that happen before.
Of course.
But the thing was, the bouncer was wearing a hat.
- He was wearing a fucking top hat. - Mm-hmm.
- Hypocritical. - Yeah.
Like, you can't tell someone they can't get in
when you're doing the same shit that they're doing.
Exactly. I mean, that'd be like if O.J. banned Chris Brown
from the He-Man Woman-Hater Club.
- First joke. All right. - First joke.
We went to law school for two-and-a-half years, right?
Mm-hmm.
And we had to drop out. We dropped out.
We had to because, one: It was all white people.
Yeah.
- Professors and students. - Professors and students.
And two: Law is the tool of oppression to, like, destroy black lives.
I don't want to study that with white people.
- That's bizarre. - Yeah. Yeah.
That'd be like if...
That'd be like if Ron Goldman took a knife-sharpening class with O.J.
- The knife is law. - And the... Yeah.
O.J. is white people. Ron Goldman is black people.
You get it, you get it.
- Third joke. - Mm-hmm.
We have a friend who loves God. Like, and it's kind of annoying, too,
because he uses God to justify the most dramatic events.
Right?
Like, he got into a car accident.
And rather than get upset, which I thought he would do,
he was, like, "No, it's cool.
It's probably just God's way of telling me to get a new car."
Could've been.
- Pretty weird justification. - Yeah.
That'd be like if O.J. was in court,
and he was, like, "Yes, that's right. I did kill them.
I killed them both.
But I think that was just God's way of telling me
- to hang around more black people." - Yeah.
- Could've been. - Could've been.
- Could've used that defense. - God works in mysterious ways.
That's right.
- You don't know. - You don't know what He does.
No.
All right, look. All right.
- O.J. jokes are tough. - They're not... They're not easy.
Some people say it's easier to get away with murder.
But here's the thing:
As O.J. once said...
you miss 100% of the stabs that you don't take.
That's right.
- Oh, man. I think we ran out. - I think we ran out of juice, guys.
I think we're done. I think we're done.
I think we're done. I think we ran out of juice.
- I think we're running out of... - I think we're running out of juice.
You know who loved O.J. Simpson?
Richard Nixon did. Loved him.
- You know who else loved... - Proof.
You know who else loved O.J.?
Crazy.
- We rest our case. - We rest it.
This is what we spent our money... Like, this...
Law school was worth it just for this moment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Netflix already paid us, right? - That's right.
- Cool. - We're good?
- We got it. We got the okay. All right.
No, we took out a lot of loans to go to law school.
Like, a lot.
And now they want their money back, which is weird.
I thought they would be happy that we're pursuing our dreams.
Mm-hmm.
- But they don't give a fuck about that. - They don't care about dreams.
They call us every week,
demanding their money back.
- And we hang up every week... - That's right.
and smoke instead.
Yeah, yeah.
But we decided to talk to them one time.
You're wiping my nose off?
- Is it sweaty? - Yeah, it's a little sweaty.
- It's good now. - Is it cool now?
You got some sweat on yours.
- All right. Sorry. - What was I talking about?
- Loans. - Loans, yeah. So, they call us,
and we talked to him, and he was, like,
"Look, you guys have been avoiding me for the last decade.
But here's the thing:
We can figure this shit out together.
We'll come together, put our heads together.
Let's come up with a plan and we can move on."
- So, we hung up on him immediately... - Mm-hmm.
rolled up a joint and thought long and hard about this.
- And I think we figured it out. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- I know how we're gonna pay it back. - Yeah.
So, we called him and we told him, "Look, dude, we figured it out.
We're gonna turn all of our library cards
into credit cards."
- It's a great plan. - It's a fantastic plan.
- We grew up fatherless. - Mm-hmm.
Not because he died. He got arrested when we were, like, two.
And he went to prison for 20 years, and we don't know what he did.
No, no. We have no... Like, he just disappeared.
We were, like, "Oh, all right. I guess he's gone."
Yeah.
But as we got older, we wanted to figure out what he did,
so we did a little bit of research.
We went to the Newark Public Library and found out that,
in order to get 20 years in the state of New Jersey,
you can do one of four things.
Commit first-degree murder, second-degree murder,
child molestation or tax evasion.
Mm-hmm. So, we immediately got rid of tax evasion, right?
The nigga was broke. He had no money.
That left us with three choices.
- All bad. - Terrible. Terrible choices.
But I feel like this might be the only situation
where you kind of hope your father's a murderer.
Mm-hmm.
Not child molestation.
No, no. You can't hit the streets with that.
No. You can't make a rap album if your dad's a child molester.
No, no, no. No.
Maybe punk rock, but not... not rap.
Our father did not let prison hold him down.
- No, he did a lot of dope shit. - He was an overachiever.
Yeah, he overachieved in prison.
He actually got his college degree in prison.
He was actually the first dude in our family to get his degree in prison.
That's right.
- So, that's dope. - That's huge.
The only problem is, he got his degree in philosophy.
Why would you get that degree in prison?
You can't... It's a shitty degree to get in college.
It really is. Horrible degree to get in college.
It's just not practical.
How do you use a fucking philosophy degree in prison?
Like, what's the practical situation?
- In, like, a shank situation. - Yeah.
Like, how would he maneuver himself out of that with philosophy?
Like, some dude comes out of nowhere and tries to shank him.
"I'm about to shank you, homey."
What is he gonna be like? "Man, how do you know that knife is real?"
"I don't know. You must think, my friend."
That's right.
So, now that... Our father actually is out of prison.
He's not in prison anymore. And it sucks that he's out.
- I wish he was still there. - Oh, yeah.
I want him to go back,
because all he wants to do is father-son shit,
and I'm, like, "Dude, we pay rent now. I'm over it."
It's over, man.
"You had your opportunity, and now it's... "
He wanted to play basketball, and he took us to the court,
and the entire time, he was fucking arrogant.
Mm-hmm. Prison turned him cocky.
Yeah.
We were playing ball, and he was, admittedly, destroying us.
- Yeah. - And, uh, after the game,
he was, like, "Yo, man, if I was about six, seven inches taller,
I could've been in the NBA."
We're, like, "You'd probably just be a taller criminal, right?"
That's it.
But it got us thinking. Do you think NBA players do the same thing,
but in reverse?
Do they talk about the things they would do
if they were a little bit shorter?
- Maybe. - Maybe.
Like, LeBron James and Kevin Love chilling at Chuck E. Cheese.
And LeBron James is, like, "Yo, man. Hey, Love."
"What up?"
"Yo, man, if I was ten inches shorter..."
"What up, man?"
"I'm trying to think.
Oh, I'd kill myself.
- I'd definitely jump off a bridge." - "You should."
- "I'll lose all my endorsements." - "You will."
We can't watch the NBA anymore.
- No, no. - We're done.
- Advanced stats are ruining the game. - Killing the game.
I don't know if y'all know about advanced stats,
but it's, like, this shit where they use, like, calculus.
- Overanalyze. - Overanalyzing the stats, man.
It's too confusing. And they're scary now.
We saw this one stat, and y'all may have seen this, too.
It said every time Steph Curry shoots 40 percent from the three-point line,
a black man gets killed by the police.
That's crazy.
- Y'all see that one? - Terrifying.
Terrified us.
- We gotta stop Steph Curry. - Somebody gotta stop that nigga.
- We gotta D him up. - Gotta put an end to this.
Because of all this black suffering, guys,
we have to do something. You can't just smoke weed
and listen to Deion Sanders hip-hop videos.
- No. - That can't be life. You gotta do shit.
No. So, we want to be more active.
So, we decided to join the Black Panther Party.
That's right.
Yeah, we joined. We're the newest members.
- It's been great. - It's been pretty dope, man.
It's not like what they used to be. They don't march and shit.
- We actually have movie nights. - Yes. Movie nights.
Movie nights. And they asked us to bring the movie.
Mm-hmm. And we were fucking delighted.
I mean, how often are you gonna have a chance to bring a movie
to a Black Panther party?
- Not many. - No.
We thought long and hard about it, and we brought Scream 2.
Yes.
- It's a classic. - Complete classic.
And we were excited about it. We rushed to the party,
put the DVD in, hit play, sat back, chilled.
And in the first seven minutes of the movie,
they killed Jada Pinkett Smith and Omar Epps.
Mm-hmm.
Before the opening credits, too.
- It was actually kind of masterful. - Before the title sequence.
Yeah, it was masterful, actually, how they did it.
But the Black Panthers lost their minds.
They stopped the movie midway through,
and they were, like, "Look, this is what I'm talking about.
This is the systematic oppression in Hollywood
that's ruining black actors.
We can't watch this movie. It's offensive to black people.
Turn this shit off."
- We told them to take a chill pill. - Mm-hmm.
And just watch the rest of the movie.
Because after the killer kills the only two black people,
he's gonna kill at least 20 white people.
That's right.
That's a ten-to-one ratio, if you're doing the math.
- Yes. - It works in our favor.
It works in our favor.
- It works in our favor. - It works.
I think they agree with our sound logic.
Because this week we're watching the last 15 minutes of Titanic.
That's right.
That's 3,000 to zero, if you're doing the math.
- That's a lot of white suffering, guys. - Mm-hmm.
And black people like white suffering.
- It's true. - It's true. We did some research
- with Henry Louis Gates... - These guys don't believe us.
and Marcus Garvey.
- We did some research. - They don't believe us.
And look at this. Look at this shit.
See that right there?
Black happiness.
Seventy-seven percent of it is white suffering.
Now, 11 percent of it... You gotta show them over here.
Eleven percent of it is Beyoncé and Jesus.
They're neck and neck.
And the third thing is the NBA, because obviously niggas love NBA.
And the last thing is more white suffering.
That's 3.5. It accounts for 80 percent.
- It accounts for 80 percent. - These are the stats.
- I don't question stats. - I don't question facts.
No.
Should we do this joke? Because...
- Hmm. - Ehh.
Go for it. Go for it.
- Fuck it. - Yeah, fuck it, you know?
We went to school in the inner city,
and the best thing about the inner city: public schools...
Oh, yeah.
Not because of the quality. They sucked.
But you'd do a lot of interesting things there, right?
We got to color historical black figures every Black History Month.
- It was fantastic. - It was dope.
Now, normally, kids will color the figures brown or... brown.
And we decided to be a little, you know... what's it called... non-conformist.
- Avant-garde. - Avant-garde.
So, we colored everybody pink, black and white,
in honor of our favorite professional wrestler, Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
That's right.
- Our teacher didn't like that. - No, no.
She was very upset. She was, like, "You can't do that.
It's disrespectful to the cause."
And we said, "Take a chill pill.
Because I'm sure if Dr. King was here today,
he would see the picture and say, 'Look,
it is not about the color of that character's skin.'"
- It's so bad. - Keep going.
"'It is about the content of the color of his character.'"
That's right.
- "And secondly." - "And most importantly,
Bret Hart is dope as fuck." Here's the thing.
He is, he is. Here's the thing:
"He beat Bam Bam Bigelow, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels,
Owen Hart... his brother... in the same decade."
Yeah.
"Dr. King can't do that.
I don't think he could pull it off."
She suspended us for two or three weeks.
Mm-hmm.
But the joke's on her,
because in that three weeks, we watched reruns of Matlock...
Mm-hmm.
which inspired us to go to law school.
Yeah. And become the lawyers that we are today.
That's right.
I had a dream two days ago
that I ran for Mayor of Newark.
- No one knew about him. - No one knew about me.
Just me. I ran for Mayor of Newark
on a platform of free 40s and weed for all my niggas.
Mm-hmm.
And I won in a landslide. It was crazy. Crazy landslide.
But the lobbyists weren't happy about it.
- They didn't like his socialist agenda. - That's right.
- So, I got assassinated. - Mm-hmm.
And then the next day, I showed up like nothing happened.
- I had to address the situation. - Yes, of course.
They just saw a nigga get killed. I gotta explain why.
I was, like, "Look, dudes, I know you guys just saw me get killed.
But money, weed and bitches! I'm back, baby!
I'm back!"
Terrified of the police.
- Oh, yeah. - Terrified of the police.
That's the problem with the War on Drugs.
It's an increased militarization of the police.
They get all into the communities, like in New York,
- and they just get too aggressive. - Too aggressive.
We were leaving Tutu's, because the bathroom line was way too long.
We said, "Fuck it. We're just gonna go home."
And as we were walking home, a cop just flashed his gun on us.
It wasn't a flashlight. It was a gun.
- And I'd never seen a gun before. - Never.
- Not in person. - Only on Matlock.
That's right.
That black dude always had a gun. All right.
And I'd never seen a gun.
He pointed the gun at me, and then he pointed it at him,
and then he pointed it at me, and then he pointed it at him,
and then he pointed it at me, and then he stopped.
- And we got super nervous. - Very nervous.
We thought we were goners,
because Steph Curry shot 40 percent that night,
- and we thought we were gonna get shot. - Yeah.
- Fortunately enough, he didn't kill us. - No.
- He just wanted a selfie. - That's all he wanted.
He just wanted to take a selfie. Saw us in 22 Jump Street, liked us,
asked for a picture.
- He was actually a pretty cool cop. - Pretty cool cop.
So, we took the picture with him because he had a gun.
Snapped it, and then he flew away on his horse.
- Yeah. - Right?
- As he's flying away, we had an epiphany. - Mm-hmm.
We realized how to solve the problem of police brutality.
You just gotta give every black dude a two-to five-minute cameo
in a movie with Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum.
- Or Seth Rogen. - Or Seth. He works, too. He works.
- And it'll work. - Because black lives matter.
They do.
- They matter. - They fucking matter.
They fucking matter.
But in America, black cameos matter a little bit more.
Nah, they do.
- It's unfortunate. - It's unfortunate.
- So, now we're terrified of guns. - Mm-hmm.
And whenever we see Republicans on the news
talking about people should have more guns,
- we say, "Fuck that." - No.
And as activists, we had to do something about it.
So, we're, like, "We're gonna write them a letter
expressing our discontent."
So, we're gonna share that letter with y'all today.
"Dear Republicans,
what's good?
We recently saw you on the TV making a defense for guns.
One of your members argued that if people have more guns,
they'll be safer.
We disagree with that logic. Here's why.
Twentieth-century poet and hood scholar Biggie Smalls once said,
and I quote,
- 'Where Brooklyn at?' - Mm-hmm.
'Where Brooklyn at?
Where Brooklyn at?
Check it.
I got seven MAC-11s, about eight .38s,
nine 9s, ten MAC-10s.
The guns never end.'
End quote.
That's about 34 to an infinite amount of guns for one gangsta rapper.
- And that nigga still got shot." - That's right.
"P.S.:
Fuck Richard Nixon."
Okay?
We'd like to close on a lighter note.
Any of y'all seen the movie Space Jam?
- It's a classic. - Classic in its genre.
Some people argue
that it's the Citizen Kane of Michael Jordan movies.
- We don't disagree. - We don't disagree with that.
But the one thing that always... I always question
is how did Michael Jordan convince Charles Barkley to be in the movie?
- It's a quagmire. - Yes.
But I think we figured it out, and we're gonna share it with y'all
- in a reenactment. - Yes.
He's gonna be Michael Jordan, the great Air Jordan.
- Air Jordan. - And I'm gonna be Charles Barkley.
And I'm Michael Jordan.
You're Michael Jordan, I'm Charles Barkley.
- The Round Mound of Rebound. - Are you getting that?
What are you doing? Are you doing this? You want to do it with this?
- Yeah. - Symmetry.
- All right. - All right, now.
Harken back to 1994.
- Come back with us. - Come back with us.
This is right after the O.J. murders.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring, ring.
Yo, hello. Who's this? Who's this?
- It's me, man. It's Michael Jordan. - Oh, man, it's Air Jordan?
How you doing, man? How's baseball going, brother?
I don't really want to talk... No.
- You sure? - No, I'm good.
I saw you on ESPN. It wasn't looking good.
- I didn't look too good. - No, it wasn't good, man.
This is not a call about baseball. It's about movies.
All right, man, okay. Don't be so aggressive.
- Movies. - You're getting into the movie industry?
- That's right. - You're getting into the movie industry?
- That's dope. - I came up with this compelling story.
- Word? You're writing movies? - I'm writing it now.
- Oh, shit. - And I think you'll be great for the role.
- You want me to be in it? - I do.
What's the movie about?
So, it's a basketball story, right? David and Goliath, all right?
On one team, it's gonna be Shawn Bradley, it's gonna be Muggsy Bogues,
Larry Johnson...
- Grandmama. You like him. - I like Grandmama.
- Patrick Ewing. - Patrick?
Patrick. I mean, that's a solid all-NBA fourth team, if they had it.
- That's a good team. - If they had it.
- It's a solid team, a solid team. Solid. - Yes.
- I mean, that's a solid team. - It's a great team.
Who's gonna be on your team, though?
Who are you gonna have? You gonna have Karl Malone, the Mailman?
- You ain't gonna have... Shawn Kemp? - No.
- You ain't have the Reign Man? - Mm-mm.
- The Glove? - No.
- Detlef Schrempf? - No.
- Stockton? - No.
Daffy Duck.
- You still there? - No, I'm still...
Is that, like, a pet nickname for Scottie Pippen?
- Is that a... - No, the Looney Tunes.
I'm talking about... What's the guy's name? Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd,
Sylvester the Cat, Tweety Bird.
- You're gonna have Tweety? - I'm gonna have Tweety. Yes.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Mike, I'm getting another call.
- Could you hold on? Would you hold on? - Sure, I'll hold. Sure.
Hey, man. Who's this?
- It's Shaq. What's going on? - What's up, Shaq?
Hey. I was on the other line with Mike. I think he's on LSD or some shit.
Baseball's holding him down. What's up? What'd you call me for, Shaq?
What's good?
So, you know, I got this movie idea.
I've been thinking about this movie idea. It's, like, great.
You know? I really think it can get an Oscar or something. I don't know.
If we really put a lot of effort into it,
it could really compete for a Golden Globe or something.
I really want you to be in it, too.
- You want me to be in your movie, Shaq? - Yes.
Okay.
What...
What's the movie about, Shaq?
Two words, man: Rapping genie.
Click.
- Hey, Mike. - What up?
- Sign me up, baby. I'm in. - All right, baby.
Thank you. You guys have been fantastic.
- We appreciate it. - Thanks.
Yo, man, what's taking this dude so long?
Drug dealers are the worst. They really don't care about your time.
That's why I hate the War on Drugs.
If drugs were legal, we wouldn't need drug dealers.
We could just walk right into a dispensary.
It'd be like Toys "R" Us for unemployed stoners.
Yeah, for sure, man. Fuck Nixon for that.
Word. That O.J.-loving douchebag started the War on Drugs...
or, as I like to call it, the War on Niggas Who Just Want to Have Fun.
Oh, snap! It's the ghost of Richard Nixon!
Good evening, brothers!
Yo, don't call us brothers.
My apologies. Would you prefer "Negroes"?
Uh, just call us brothers.
Very well, then, nigger... Brothers!
I overheard your conversation regarding the War on Drugs.
I'm extremely disappointed.
I mean, you would be. You started it.
I understand you hate it, I do. I really, really do.
However, while you may hate waiting for a weed dealer,
the consequences of a world without the War on Drugs
are far worse for you.
Dude, that's insane.
Maybe, maybe not.
I would like to show you a world without the War on Drugs.
Might I indulge you?
All right, Nixon, we're in.
So, wait. How are we gonna get there?
I'm glad you asked. Like this!
- That's not so bad. - No doubt.
Hey, man, where are we going first?
Your living room?
No. To none other than the saddest place in America: Chicago!
Oh, come on, man.
I don't really want to go to Chicago, man. I mean, too many people get shot there.
For real, man. And they get shot for wearing the wrong colors.
I don't want to get shot for wearing the wrong colors.
What's next, shapes?
- Yeah. Can we stay here? - Please?
I'm sorry, nigger-backs.
That's how it has to work.
This is not what I was expecting.
Funny, funny, funny.
Listen, instead of investing trillions of dollars
into the increased militarization of police and prisons,
the money was invested into infrastructure,
education and treatment,
which in turn led to more jobs for the working poor.
Yo, it seems dope!
Yeah, man, were you lying about this being miserable for us?
You can't help yourself.
Well, brothers. I haven't quite finished my tour.
Off to Brooklyn!
Oh, snap! It's Tutu's.
Yeah. Friday night's here are wild.
- Can't wait to hear Biggie. - Hey, Nixon, can you dance?
All right. Never mind.
Hey, what the hell is going on here?
I did some research on this. Let me explain.
Okay. "Without the War on Drugs, you probably don't get hip-hop.
Moreover, without the crack epidemic which accelerated the War on Drugs,
you certainly don't get gangsta rap.
And without gangsta rap, you don't get Biggie!"
No Biggie?
No Biggie.
None of it. No "Mo Money Mo Problems."
No Life After Death. No Ready to Die.
Is that...
Christopher Wallace...
CPA.
- How does it make you feel? - I feel terrible.
- You feel lumpy inside, don't you? - I do.
I want to go back home.
We can't take this anymore. Can you take us back home, dude?
All right. All right. I'll take you back.
Sad niggers.
Ah, this is more like it.
Hey, so did you start the War on Drugs
to give rise to hip-hop in hopes of empowering black people?
Yes, I did! Yes, of course, I did!
Tell everyone you know.
- Dope. - Psych!
You gullible-ass niggers.
I started it because I hate niggers, Jews and fairies!
- You almost had us there for a second. - He almost had us there for a second.
- All right. Bye-bye, Nixon. - Bye, man. Peace, Nixon.
Thanks for the War on Drugs.
Thanks for the tour.
All right. I love you.
- Love you, too, Nixon. - Peace.
All right. Peace out, nigger.
Want to smoke weed?
Damn right, I want to smoke weed.
- To the War on Drugs. - To the War on Drugs.